What are you looking for?

In a late night planning session for my Campaigners lesson, I was going through all of my old journals looking for inspiration. I took a creative writing class in high school and I used one of those journals to do our free-writing exercises, wherein we would be given a prompt and we’d have to write without putting down our pen for a few minutes. I found one of my free-writing activities and read through it. Our prompt was “What is something you are looking for?”

Quite frankly, I don’t know what I’m looking for, I’m mostly wandering aimlessly. I’ve found something that should keep me from looking for anything, but I’m afraid to admit it, I keep looking for something else anyway. I really need to stop looking and just stay with what I’ve found. When I found it, well, that’s the happiest I’ve ever been. Unfortunately, the roller coaster of happiness has gone down the first big hill and I don’t want to keep going. I keep trying to stuff all these other things into the gap of my life but they just don’t fill it. They may keep me full, if only for a moment, then they are gone and I am sent searching again. There is only one thing that can truly fill and fit into the gap, but alas, I have tossed it aside so carelessly. What I need to look for is a way to stuff that back into the gap. I need to mend what I so carelessly tossed aside and never break it again. I need the greatest super glue in the world to keep me from ever throwing it away and replacing it ever again. Now I know what that super glue is, but I’m too afraid to use it. I need to get over my fear and finally get the courage to make a lasting change. I want that lasting change. Why am I so afraid? why do I hesitate? Do I think it won’t work? Why shouldn’t it? It’s the greatest thing in the universe and I’m just too chicken to really say that I only want that and absolutely nothing else. I don’t need anything else. Absolutely nothing else. I don’t want to wander aimlessly any longer.

I still struggle with my relationship with Jesus. I still try to find other things to fill my life with. I know in my heart that He is the only thing that will last and that will do me any good, but in my mind I think there are other things that will work. I’m a teenage girl – at least for a short time more – so getting my heart and my head to agree on anything is one of the hardest things to do.